YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE HIM SIS!
by: Jennifer Jones
That feeling when you eat because someone offered-but you’re not really hungry.
You play with the food on your plate. You move it around with your fork, but you don’t have an appetite. You entertain the unwanted food because you don’t want to be rude, or appear stuck up. You feel a sense of obligation to accept, because you don’t want to make someone feel bad for your rejection of what they worked so hard to prepare. Or you're bored as hell, so it's like whatever, sure. Give me a plate.
What if in that moment, you just said, “No thank you,” and interrupted the flooding rationalizations of why you should eat the food that you don't really want. What if you could appreciate the effort put into the food presentation, but didn’t feel obligated to accept it or validate it? What if telling the truth in that instant was okay?
Ladies, we aren’t talking about suspect potato salad. We are talking about romantic relationships and self-awareness. Oprah calls it the “Ah ha!” moment. I call it the, “You don’t even like him, sis!” moment.
Imagine the internal transparency that is required to remove yourself from a situation or person that you admittedly don’t even like or want. You would think this logic in action could be quickly achieved, but often times it is not. We accept what we don’t even want, because of an internal rationale that literally makes no sense.
If we are intimately honest with ourselves, we can determine our true desires and motives. Not the fluff or on paper desires; or the stuff we think we are supposed to want and like. I mean those innate, gut, unconscious heart desires. The real you. The you that has nothing to do with anyone else.
At various times my dating life, I have questioned myself internally saying, “Why am I even putting up with this, I don’t even like him like that.” Not referring to “liking” him on superficial level, but more of an acknowledgment of incompatibility, yet the entertainment of it for a myriad of stupid reasons. I’m entertaining you, because you offered the potato salad, so I accepted it....even though, I kind of hate potato salad.”
Because we are physically attracted.
Sometimes that potato salad looks good, even when you're not hungry. The chef's offer and presentation is flattering. Maybe if you were hungry it would satisfy you. If you had a craving for potato salad, this would be perfect. But, you’re not hungry or having any cravings. Curiosity and greed kick in and you pile your plate with food that you don't actually want.You taste the first bite, and it's really good. Like really good. You eat until you’re uncomfortably full, knowing that you're not hungry and that you could’ve just said, "No, thank you." Now you have a stomach ache because you ingested something you didn't even want in the first place.
If we can be honest, many of us remain entwined with romantic interests in our lives that we know are not “for” us because of the way they look, or the way they make us feel. Our shallow desires supersede our heart’s desires because we enjoy the potato salad’s garnish or how it looks in our bed... I mean on our plate. This is where the ever complicated “dickmatized” situation comes into play. For those unfamiliar with the term, it is used among women to describe an entranced state of being when in relationship with a sexually compatible partner. Good sex = Altered State of Being/Thinking.
I am here to say, this way of being is a farce. We have to stop using good sex as an excuse for bad behavior or even bad company. Good sex or physical attraction are not what fuels involvement with someone you know you are not compatible with, though it is often used as an excuse. Veiled intimacy, wrapped in fantasy is what drives us to these situations. Sex does not equate to real intimacy or overall compatibility. You don’t even like him, sis. Move around.
You don’t even like him, sis. Move around.
Because we don’t want to be alone.
Everyone else has a plate full of food at the party. Who wants to be the loner at the table with no food? Many times we allow certain romantic energies into our lives because we fear the alternative of being alone. We have believed the lie that being single or alone is somehow indicative of lack of fulfillment or worth. We don’t want to be without a partner, so we accept the closest suitor who looks the most presentable. Don’t front! We’ve all done it. At least I have.
I remember years ago working for a company that had a yearly Holiday Party that was also known as the informal beauty pageant of the spouses and partners of employees. I was single at the time, and had a couple of “friends” but I wasn’t in a relationship. I went on a few dates with this guy who was super sexy to me. 6’3”. Muscles. Dimples. Sexy. My type physically. After our first conversation, I knew he wasn’t for me. Intellectually we weren’t compatible. His occupation was "complex" and there were quite of few unanswered “baby mama” questions. I liked his smile, but I knew we’d never have any longevity or depth. Though I didn't admit it at the time, I wanted someone that was "for" me. I didn't want to settle, but here I was-settling. I knew right away that his potato salad would only make me sick, but I ate it. I gave him a chance because I didn’t want to show up to the Christmas party alone. God forbid, Jan from Finance think I was a spinster… (in hindsight, who the f*ck cares?)
So me and Mr. Fine went to the Holiday party and everyone raved about how handsome he was, and what a cute couple we were. I basked in it, knowing deep down inside I was hoping no one would ask him any in depth questions that would blow my cover. I remember that evening feeling strange. Without my direction, he knew what to do and what role I needed him to play. It was like we were in a covert spy operation faking like we were Barack and Michelle. What had my life come to. Hella phony.
After the Christmas party, our relationship began to taper off. It was evident that he had already served his purpose in my life. I had won the company beauty pageant and received no prize for my efforts. The final time we got together, he asked me if he could move in. After like 6 dates. Move in. Like into my apartment. With all of his clothes and big old boots and sneakers. I saw my out, and I took it. I excused myself, and vowed to be a little more intentional about what I wanted. I was the wrong kind of selfish and it wasn’t fair to either of us. I had used him, just for the sake of not feeling alone. To some woman, he was a dream come true, just the way he was. Who was I to get in the way of that? I wasted his time and mine, by trying to eat the well garnished potato salad when I wasn't hungry. I didn’t even like him, sis!
Because it would be rude to be firm in our convictions.
Having a standard means having to say ‘no’ at some point. Saying 'no' comes with complicated conversations and apprehension about what you’re actually saying ‘no’ to. Many times, we tolerate and entertain romantic partners because deep down, we fear that our standards are unachievable, or that we don’t even deserve what we want. We believe that what we long for does not exist. We take what is presented to us because we believe that what we really desire is asking for too much. No one wants to be labeled as a bitter or picky woman, scoffing off prospects for the smallest inconvenience. So, we accept the BS.
Standards can sometimes create the appearance of being “hard to please.” Newsflash: You’re only hard to please for someone who isn’t for you.
Let that sink in. Deep down, what you want in a partner is rational. Don’t ever feel bad about being specific and intentional about your needs and wants. Set the standard. Give people an opportunity to meet it. Those that avoid setting standards have a less exclusive gate for entry. Not setting standards will have you lookin' real loose out here. Tighten up!
Those who do set standards lessen the likelihood of casual potato salad offers on a full stomach. If you desire a man that is exclusively committed to you, don’t accept or entertain an insatiable man. He is not for you and it’s okay! Turn down that potato salad. Assume he won’t change. You don’t even like him sis. Be honest.
Realizing what is true and acceptable for you is the first step in the process of achieving your greatest self. We should desire to partner our greatest selves with romantic interests that are our true heart’s desires. Seeking out what works for the moment only has temporary results. We have got to stop being short sighted, and remove the lie that we must accept all that is offered. You do not have to eat, if you are not hungry.